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Other
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
At This Moment.
I'm sitting here, listening to Astrud Gilberto, and corresponding with my cousin who is living in the UK with her brother and my aunt. I'm also in communication with a former girlfriend (if you can call it that) currently in another country. We hardly speak now, the former and me. Briefly after the relationship started, it was launched into long-distance status.
Conversing with the former has dropped a few notches from the personal level but I still appreciate the effort that she puts into the correspondence (I try to put a few in). I tried asking in-depth questions albeit I didn't care as much as I would have half a year ago.
I think that maybe before, when I asked about school, I wasn't really bothered but felt that I had to in order to keep things at a comfortable status. Why did I think that I could do one more long-distance thing. I felt that I might have lied to her from the get-go. I apologise if you're reading this or if you ever read this, but it wasn't my intention to make things as complicated as they were.
Further, the signs were all there; such as: me not ever caring to be on the telephone, and only ever wanting to correspond on the internet, which wasn't really a problem for her for a while, but after a few months, it sent a very strong message (I'm such a jackass). Shortly after she returned, the relationship ceased. It didn't really help that her best friend seriously disliked me.
45 minutes have passed and I have nothing much to reveal still, and yet I listen to Astrud Gilberto still. I don't even understand what the hell she's saying half the time; I merely go with the smooth rhythm.
Now: I'm alone, with nothing to look at or amuse myself with. The lacking of anything meaningful defining my days reminding me constantly that I lack ambition or at least the initiative to act on my ambition. Yes, here you have it again: I have not any job just yet. I haven't really been working that hard to get one either. I lead a spoiled and almost meaningless way of life that may be compared to my brother's; only differences are that I have a lot less friends and know a lot more about computers.
So, there you have it, a small taste of what I am really like; what I'm thinking at this moment, and how I feel a small measure of the time when I'm recapping my year while slowly redistributing perspective to somehow change my perception of how things may have been, and maybe in that process find a method to lie to myself in order for me to not regard previous activities as asinine and/or irrelevant.
It's actually 4:25AM, but the post is timed earlier and I couldn't be less apathetic to change it. I hope in some small way, this makes you feel less lonely and singular.
Conversing with the former has dropped a few notches from the personal level but I still appreciate the effort that she puts into the correspondence (I try to put a few in). I tried asking in-depth questions albeit I didn't care as much as I would have half a year ago.
I think that maybe before, when I asked about school, I wasn't really bothered but felt that I had to in order to keep things at a comfortable status. Why did I think that I could do one more long-distance thing. I felt that I might have lied to her from the get-go. I apologise if you're reading this or if you ever read this, but it wasn't my intention to make things as complicated as they were.
Further, the signs were all there; such as: me not ever caring to be on the telephone, and only ever wanting to correspond on the internet, which wasn't really a problem for her for a while, but after a few months, it sent a very strong message (I'm such a jackass). Shortly after she returned, the relationship ceased. It didn't really help that her best friend seriously disliked me.
45 minutes have passed and I have nothing much to reveal still, and yet I listen to Astrud Gilberto still. I don't even understand what the hell she's saying half the time; I merely go with the smooth rhythm.
Now: I'm alone, with nothing to look at or amuse myself with. The lacking of anything meaningful defining my days reminding me constantly that I lack ambition or at least the initiative to act on my ambition. Yes, here you have it again: I have not any job just yet. I haven't really been working that hard to get one either. I lead a spoiled and almost meaningless way of life that may be compared to my brother's; only differences are that I have a lot less friends and know a lot more about computers.
So, there you have it, a small taste of what I am really like; what I'm thinking at this moment, and how I feel a small measure of the time when I'm recapping my year while slowly redistributing perspective to somehow change my perception of how things may have been, and maybe in that process find a method to lie to myself in order for me to not regard previous activities as asinine and/or irrelevant.
It's actually 4:25AM, but the post is timed earlier and I couldn't be less apathetic to change it. I hope in some small way, this makes you feel less lonely and singular.
Published by: YSCHAN # 8/03/2005 03:03:00 am 