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Thursday, September 15, 2005
Fleeing Addict
So, I came back a little late today. I've been doing that a lot lately. Today can be considered early if compared to the others. It doesn’t make a difference either way. Whether I’m out or not, I will still most likely be awake.
In going through this ambitionless road of mine, I've observed many things. One that sticks out is how others are more willing to put in extra effort in bettering themselves whether it's in terms of career or... career searching. What I mean to highlight is the way we change and grow so very differently.
Everyone's either always trying to find a way to change their condition in self improvement, or trying to change something back to what it was before it was changed. A few remain stagnant like me. “Few” is the operative word.
I've--sort of--tried (jump) starting my career. For a while, I had interviews. More directly, I’ve had only a few (interviews), but I still await a reply (at least). Therein lay my weakness: I don't possess the same go-getting, self-applying quality as many of you do. Or at least I don't think I do.
My astute (if that) observation show that I have a resistance to change, which tend to set in when I realise I can do something, thus resulting in me putting less effort into it because the goal is seemingly lost to me as the sense of achievement is not there. That is just rubbish I tell myself. (That sentence seemed pretty long.)
There is something that I fear; high likelihood of it being failure. Perhaps even disappointment. At my age, I think it is rather ridiculous for my behaving this way. Realising that my sense of self confidence is only a moderate compensation for my lacking in self discipline, I strive to change and feel that I’m on my way, though the only thing bothering me is that I don’t know where the “way” leads.
I always ask myself what I’m working towards, but receive no answer let alone answers. I can only assume that we all don’t really know; a missing dream; a fading objective? I suppose you can replace this with whatever pipe dream you wish. Who am I to judge your pursuit of happiness and whatnot?
Metaphorically, I feel like a wasteland of studied subjects and scattered exam papers and class notes. In further fueling this, I am alone, standing on myself (the wasteland); the mounds of sand, representing time, get higher and higher; the once-organised papers, now scattered across my mind symbolising the displacement of knowledge learnt of years ago.
Sooner than later, the papers will cease to show, leaving behind a desert. It’s very much like a music video, to think of it.
So, why am I still running away and not doing anything about this? I really don’t know. I can only say that I’m enjoying this for the moment, and soon enough, the carpet will be pulled from under my feet. I better find suitable work quick before I'm forced to start packing.
My pseudo admission: Sometimes I feel as though I set myself up for disappointment. I have a theory that I'm an addict of it.
In going through this ambitionless road of mine, I've observed many things. One that sticks out is how others are more willing to put in extra effort in bettering themselves whether it's in terms of career or... career searching. What I mean to highlight is the way we change and grow so very differently.
Everyone's either always trying to find a way to change their condition in self improvement, or trying to change something back to what it was before it was changed. A few remain stagnant like me. “Few” is the operative word.
I've--sort of--tried (jump) starting my career. For a while, I had interviews. More directly, I’ve had only a few (interviews), but I still await a reply (at least). Therein lay my weakness: I don't possess the same go-getting, self-applying quality as many of you do. Or at least I don't think I do.
My astute (if that) observation show that I have a resistance to change, which tend to set in when I realise I can do something, thus resulting in me putting less effort into it because the goal is seemingly lost to me as the sense of achievement is not there. That is just rubbish I tell myself. (That sentence seemed pretty long.)
There is something that I fear; high likelihood of it being failure. Perhaps even disappointment. At my age, I think it is rather ridiculous for my behaving this way. Realising that my sense of self confidence is only a moderate compensation for my lacking in self discipline, I strive to change and feel that I’m on my way, though the only thing bothering me is that I don’t know where the “way” leads.
I always ask myself what I’m working towards, but receive no answer let alone answers. I can only assume that we all don’t really know; a missing dream; a fading objective? I suppose you can replace this with whatever pipe dream you wish. Who am I to judge your pursuit of happiness and whatnot?
Metaphorically, I feel like a wasteland of studied subjects and scattered exam papers and class notes. In further fueling this, I am alone, standing on myself (the wasteland); the mounds of sand, representing time, get higher and higher; the once-organised papers, now scattered across my mind symbolising the displacement of knowledge learnt of years ago.
Sooner than later, the papers will cease to show, leaving behind a desert. It’s very much like a music video, to think of it.
So, why am I still running away and not doing anything about this? I really don’t know. I can only say that I’m enjoying this for the moment, and soon enough, the carpet will be pulled from under my feet. I better find suitable work quick before I'm forced to start packing.
My pseudo admission: Sometimes I feel as though I set myself up for disappointment. I have a theory that I'm an addict of it.
Published by: YSCHAN # 9/15/2005 09:13:00 am 