That's the title of the song I'm listening to by Silvertide.

"I'm still standin' here, awkward and unaware,
as you scream the topic's closed and slam down the telephone.
But you swear that you still care and I'm still standin' here,
confused and somewhat drawn.
My head's lost but I'm heartstrong."

Heartstrong? Hah, far from it. Thank god for friends. I have AWESOME friends. They're so supportive and understanding. Even in the mess I'm in, I'm incredibly touched by how wonderful they are. I'm sorry if I'm a drag, I do appreciate everything you do for me. It's something that keeps me going. My parents don't understand why I sleep all day. Thought my mother would be more sympathetic, but she blamed me for what happened today, and I begged her to stop. She kept going on, as usual, till my father threatened to kick me out. That's my lovely family! :D

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, my boyfriend of 6.5 months recently broke up with me. 1 Sept 2005, to be exact. It took him a full minute to get it out, yet I knew what was coming. Longest 60 seconds of my life, ever. You might think, 6.5 months is nothing compared with 6-yr relationships some couples have ended. (Btw, between my friend and me, we know a whopping 13 couples who've broken up recently, all long-term.)

But I spent every day with him. We lived together. Maybe that was our problem. There are lots of factors, so I could spend all day analysing each one and never know. I don't want to get into the nitty-gritty, it just hurts too much. I just don't understand how I could've blindly thought we were happy all along, then BAM! "Something's missing." He still loves and cares for me, is attracted to me, yet... whatever. Fucking bullshit. If he stopped loving me, he should just own up to it instead of blaming it on feeling like it was an "adversarial relationship." If it was 'adversarial', I would've felt it, too. Instead, all I feel is love and the want to patch things up.

You can't just bail when things go wrong!!!

That's what I've learned from 3 serious relationships. He still needs to mature and figure that out. I'm so ashamed. Last night, after we went clubbing, I came home and begged him like a pathetic dog to take me back. He was so cold. All my pleas were met with a resounding "no." I can't even escape him in my dreams. Yesterday I dreamt he took me back, and I was deliriously happy till I woke. Another stab in the heart :)

He twisted the knife even deeper when I tried to remind him of our happy times, especially at the beach. I can't swim and I'm terrified of water. He put my arms around him and told me to hold on as he would never let go... I trusted him. Then this huge wave came and I freaked, accidentally kicked him in the balls. Even when he was in pain, he held on to me and I felt so safe... Afterward he wrote "I love you" in the sand.

"It was a fun trip." I'm sure he didn't mean it that way, but it came out wrong. I must stop thinking about the beach, about every happy memory, about all the promises of the future. It's easier to cope hating him for now. I really thought he might be the one... god knows how many people I told that when I was in Florida. I don't understand and I doubt I ever will. Hopefully in a few months, it won't matter that nothing made sense...